


Whatever It Takes

by thespotlightshines



Category: Coldplay (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thespotlightshines/pseuds/thespotlightshines
Summary: It's October 2014 and Chris finds himself single in a new city following the breakup of his marriage. A chance meeting with a handsome Astrophysics lecturer called Jonny has the potential to lead to something serious...but will everything come crashing down if his new love interest discovers his true identity as a member of one of the biggest bands in the world?
Relationships: Jonny Buckland/Chris Martin





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first attempt at writing a Buckin fanfic...lockdown has caused me to absolutely obsess over these two precious men and I regret nothing.
> 
> This is very much an AU...you’ll see as the story progresses but Phil plays guitar in the band rather than Jonny. And I feel uncomfortable using real life people so I've created some original characters for Chris's ex-wife and children. I hope that isn’t a big problem, it just feels more comfortable writing about that from my perspective, if that makes sense!
> 
> Really hope you enjoy it. Comments are much appreciated! <3

Just for one day I would like to experience the feeling of being able to go about my business in public without getting paranoid that people are staring at me for that extra half second more because they know, or think they know who I am, and they’re debating whether to come and ask me for a picture or tell me they don’t like my music. Thankfully the latter happens less often now, but I do still feel paranoid about it sometimes. 

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t swap my job for anything in the world. Without it I wouldn’t have my children, because my path would never have crossed with the woman who would become my wife and give me those two blessings. It has allowed me to meet so many incredible people and see so many places that I never would have travelled to without it. And of course getting to pursue my passion every day when I wake up is the greatest thing in the world. I couldn’t imagine having to put on a shirt and tie and commute to a packed office job in the city every morning. I’m too much of a creative type for that.

And yet, I do crave that anonymity. Maybe it was because of the public nature of my divorce and the fact the woman I was divorcing was an incredibly famous Hollywood actress. Imagine the boy who was a loser at school ending up with someone as beautiful as her. I like to picture their jaws dropping sometimes. Even more than twenty years since I left, I still get a kick out of imagining them being intensely jealous over the way their skinny, scrawny friend from school ended up being a rockstar. It still seems like it isn’t real and is going to end at any moment and I’ll have to go back to cleaning toilets like I briefly did during University, but for now I’m enjoying every minute.

But I am thankful for the experiences at school. It shaped me into the man I am today. And of course, if I didn’t attend that particular institution I wouldn’t have met my best friend Phil, who would eventually become the lead guitarist of the band I formed at University with my two other friends, Guy and Will. We went through a number of guitarists during our first couple of years as a band, for some reason we could never find the one that fit our sound and fit in with us perfectly. I guess, while we were each blessed enough to find the other two people who would become our bandmates and brothers, that fourth piece was initially missing. But then I remembered Phil had played guitar occasionally during our school years and contacted him. Despite him being at another University, he was happy to give it a shot and the first time he played with us he blew us away...he really took our songs and our sound to the next level. We had found our missing piece. And the rest is history.

And so here I find myself, more than sixteen years after we initially became a band, walking down the street in downtown Los Angeles. Despite summer giving way to Fall, as the Americans call it, it’s still an incredibly warm and beautiful afternoon. My band has finished our touring and promotion of our latest album, Ghost Stories, for the moment and, while I’m enjoying the time off from “work,” I really do miss the guys. 

Sometimes missing them overwhelms me, last year, as part of the ongoing separation and eventual divorce from my now ex-wife Clara, we moved to Los Angeles as a family. Clara is American and decided she wanted to raise our twins in the states. I held off for as long as I could, arguing that my job was centred around London but eventually she couldn’t take it any more and longed to be around more familiar surroundings. I can’t blame her really, my job means I will often be on tour for months at a time and she was homesick after we spent so many years in London together.

However, my own homesickness and longing to be with my bandmates, despite a constant ache in my chest, is something I am getting better at dealing with. I make sure to video chat with them at least three times a week and I visit at least once per month. It’s not ideal, but I know the situation will not last forever. In a few years, my kids will be grown up and move out to hopefully attend college and so they won’t even care where their Daddy lives. But for now, they’re only seven years old and I’m the centre of their universe. I cherish these years...I would never consciously wish them away. 

Clara fell pregnant only a few months after we met at an afterparty in New York in 2005. She was beautiful, exciting and intimidating all at once. I couldn’t believe someone as incredible as her would even contemplate dating a guy like me, let alone actually keep it up for months. After we found out she was expecting, I proposed and “did the right thing,” marrying her in a small ceremony a few months before the twins were born. It was a massive shock that she was pregnant, we thought we had been careful. It was even more shocking that she was expecting twins. But they are the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I couldn't imagine life without my little man and little lady.

In hindsight I was ill-prepared for the commitment of having a wife and the responsibility that having children entails. I tried my best but ultimately we were not suited to each other once the honeymoon period wore off, and the realities of our respective lifestyles set in. My travelling and her career meant we were ultimately incompatible. It didn’t make the divorce any easier, not least because it happened in such a public manner and I knew I was hurting the two little people who mean the most to me. And for the most part, it was unfolding as my band undertook our biggest tour to date. Being on tour for months with the knowledge a divorce was impending as soon as I got home was difficult to say the least. But I managed to hide it pretty well...frontmen of bands don’t have the luxury of hiding in the shadows.

The time since our separation ultimately allowed me to reflect on my sexuality, too. I had gone through a period of questioning it when I was a teenager, before ultimately deciding that I was into girls because I liked boobs. But human sexuality is infinitely more complicated than simply one's attraction to anatomical parts of others. During the process of my separation from Clara, I discovered so many amazing things, like the poetry of Rumi, the virtues of meditation and yoga for mental wellbeing and ultimately, that I am into guys. I haven’t really put a label on it, and I’m a long way from making any public statement about it, but I am definitely not straight. 

I suppose it makes a lot of sense. I was never good at relationships with girls, and going back through a lot of the lyrics I’ve written over the years, I always seem to write about a “you” rather than a “she” in songs. I don’t think our fans have really figured that out yet, but maybe they would be surprised to learn that I have penned lyrics which refer to many different people over the years, to both girls and boys alike. I am infinitely more confident in myself about that now. 

However, dating is tricky when you’re in the public eye, figuring out their intentions and whether they know my identity has been difficult. Coming to terms with my sexuality was one thing, but actually experimenting and experiencing it was an entirely different matter. Nonetheless I have had some fun during the past year, with both men and women. Sometimes even both at once I chuckle, remembering one particularly raunchy night after a gig in Europe. I haven’t disclosed my sexuality to Clara yet, I figure she doesn’t need to know. After all, our main priority is our kids for the moment, and I would hate for her to think any part of the love I felt for her was not genuine. Part of our separation meant acknowledging the value we had in each other’s lives, the amazing memories we had created together and ultimately always would have, despite the eventual divorce.

But ultimately my heart yearns for some more security, I ponder, as I enter one of the many shopping malls that are situated in Downtown Los Angeles. I guess today I am in one of my “disguises,” I use that term lightly. There’s no prosthetic nose or wig, but I have a hat and sunglasses on to somewhat shield my identity, hoping that there are no paps hot on my heels. Even if people do know who I am, they usually don't say much. After all, this is the City of Stars and brushes with celebrities seem to be a common occurrence. Occasionally a fan will approach me and I’m only too happy to oblige for pictures, they are always incredibly polite and respectful even if they can be a tad over-excited sometimes. I don’t mind though, it’s a part of my job ultimately.

I have come shopping to pick out presents for my children. My twin girl and boy, Finn and Grace, are turning eight years old next week and online shopping does not feel as personal to me as shopping around for the perfect gifts. But first, I decide to stop by my favourite smoothie stand and pick up a refreshment. Despite the aircon being turned up inside the mall, it’s still an incredibly warm day and I want to grab a drink and catch my breath before I go looking for surprises for my little ones. I take my sunglasses off, feeling more confident that today is a day I won’t be bothered.

After deliberating on what to order and coming close to pissing off the bored teenager that works the stand, I select a mango and banana smoothie and take a seat on one of the many plastic chairs next to tables that are scattered in front of the counter, my beverage in hand.

My ears are immediately drawn to a sweet British accent to my right. My eyes look around and pick out its owner.  
“Yep, yep. That’s fine. I understand...these things happen.”  
He’s cute. He’s sat to my right, talking on the phone.  
“Tomorrow is fine, I’ll be in my office at around 9. I have a class at 10, but you should be able to catch me then.”  
I examine his features, trying not to make it too obvious as I sip my smoothie. He has a soft, gentle voice and the most beautiful pair of green eyes I’ve ever seen. The hat he is wearing matches the colour of his eyes, making them stand out even more. He’s breathtaking.  
“Alright take of yourself Jim. See you in the morning.” His phone conversation is apparently over.

I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself. He takes a sip from his drink and sits back in his seat after hanging up the phone. What the hell, I think, praying he doesn’t recognise me I decide to strike up a conversation with this handsome stranger.

“Pardon me for asking...but you sound British...do you live out here?” I ask, trying to sound as smooth as possible,  
“Oh yes I am.” He turns to face me, despite initial surprise across his features he soon smiles at me, “I’m actually a lecturer at UCLA, I’ve been out here for a few years now. It certainly beats London weather!”  
“Oh wow!” He’s clearly intelligent, sexy, I think. Calm down Chris, play it cool. “That sounds amazing. What do you lecture in?”  
“Astrophysics...it’s..uh, not for everyone I guess. But I love it.” He smiles. God. He’s really something. “I’m Jonny by the way. Well, my full name is Jonathan, but everyone just calls me Jonny.”  
He extends his hand to me, I take it. I wonder if he felt the bolt of electricity that just surged through my veins too. Fuck, do I lie or tell him my real name and have an awkward moment when he recognises me? Screw it, honesty is best…  
“Nice to meet you Jonny, I’m Chris.” I smile and shake his hand, “Well technically Christopher, I suppose, but only my Mother calls me that when I’m in trouble.” I chuckle.  
“Ah me too. I’m nearly forty but that would still strike the fear of God into me.” He giggles. He’s around my age!  
“Truly terrifying. So how do you like life stateside?” I enquire, making small-talk but also wanting to find out more about him. And he doesn’t seem to have recognised me yet...  
“I really like it a lot. I wouldn’t have chosen to come here necessarily, I’m quite shy really and LA is very much a social city.” He smiles and touches the back of his neck in a somewhat awkward gesture, “But my job here is great, and I lost my previous one in London so I had no choice really.” He smiles and looks at the ground, seemingly a bit embarrassed that he shared so much. I want to reassure him that it’s okay! I’m already enjoying talking to him.  
“Ah, I know what you mean. My hand was forced in coming here too. My ex-wife is American and she wanted to raise our kids here. I have to travel a lot for my job so I compromised. It was hard at first, though.”  
“Oh I’m sorry to hear about your divorce...what do you do?”  
Ah fuck. I walked into that question about my job.  
“It’s ok, just one of those things.” I smile and lean forward to take a sip of my drink, debating how much to divulge. “I’m...aahhh...a musician. Lots of time in the studio and occasional touring complicated things. But that’s all in the past now!”  
He smiles, “I’m glad to hear that.” He doesn’t seem to know who I am, thank God.

Talking with Jonny feels as natural as breathing air into my lungs. We talk about life in LA, missing home, his career and problem students he has to deal with. We talk about lighthearted stuff, like our favourite films and TV shows we hate. We also talk about our hopes and fears for the future. At some point, it becomes clear to me through the things he has said and not said that he is single, but more importantly, that he is into guys too. I don’t outright acknowledge him and say that I am not straight either, but I hope he has picked it up from me too. 

Before we know it, the sun starts setting and the shops begin shutting around us.

“Shit, what time is it?” I ask  
“Uhhh...it’s 6pm already.”  
My eyes wide in shock, “Oh wow! We talked for three hours! I have to get going, I’m having dinner with my children this evening.” I grin, “But it was lovely speaking to you Jonny.”  
“You too Chris...would you, uh, maybe want to swap numbers and, uh, possibly hang out again some time?” He asks shyly.  
WOW! He asked ME!  
“Of course! Here, give me your phone and I’ll put my number in.”  
After putting my number in Jonny’s phone, I remember to send myself a message and to make sure I got it right.  
“Yep that’s done!”  
“Hopefully see you around soon!” Jonny says as he stands up and offers his hand once again, I shake it and smile at him. That spark is still there.  
“That would be lovely. Take care of yourself, man!” I beam before I turn away, leaving him standing there.

Wow. What an afternoon! Before I can reflect on the events that have just unfolded, I fire off a text to Clara, letting her know I’m sorry but I might be a few minutes later than our 6:30pm agreed meeting time due to traffic. A little white lie, but I’m thankful I remembered my responsibilities before it got too late, I hate arguing with her more than anything.

I sit in my car, ignition on before I fire off a quick text to Jonny. Maybe I’m too eager, but what’s the point in waiting when you’re into someone?

[Thanks again for this afternoon, I really enjoyed myself :-) Chris]

With that settled, I head to dinner with my kids and my ex with a smile on my face, singing along to cheesy pop songs on the radio. Jonny is a dream, and I feel so lucky that our paths somehow crossed on this warm and sunny October afternoon.


	2. Chapter Two

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning and I’m running along the beach, clutching a tiny hand in each of mine. My kids' visits during the weekend are the highlight of my week and this morning they woke up early, so we decided to go for a walk along the beach after breakfast.

“Daddy, can we get ice cream after this?” My daughter Grace looks at me with her wide blue eyes, how could I refuse?  
“Oh Gracie, you know I can’t say no. Do you promise not to tell Mommy?” I have been wrapped around her finger since the second she was born.  
Two enthusiastic little voices reply, “YES!”  
“Okay then...we’ll just get a little one each okay?”   
“YAAAAAAAAY!” 

They skip with even more energy alongside me. I sigh and look at both of my precious children, beaming. Spending time with them makes me happier than anything else in the world and I can’t imagine my life without them. Despite how painful the separation from Clara was, especially conducting everything so publicly, I would bear all of it and more many times over to preserve my relationship with my children.

Finn and Grace ask to go and paddle at the edge of the ocean, I agree and sit on the sand a little way back, keeping an eye on them but giving them some space to explore. I smile. Life is really good at the moment. My kids are happy, adjusting to their new life stateside despite the massive upheaval and change that it was for them. My band is doing well, we have a clear plan of where we want to go next and I’m excited for the future. And now I’ve met someone that I really like. Ahh Jonny, my smile grows a little bit wider at the thought of him.

Since we met just over two weeks ago, we have sadly not had a chance to meet up again. It was the twins’ birthday that weekend and then I was recording in London for a week or so. I didn’t tell him the specifics of where I went, but he knows it was for my job. But we have spoken a few times on the phone, trying to arrange a meeting and keeping each other updated about what’s going on in our lives. It’s rare to feel so comfortable with someone so quickly, but we really just hit it off.

Tonight, however, our lack of in-person contact is going to change when we meet for drinks. Since it’s a Sunday afternoon and Jonny has work tomorrow morning, we are just going for coffee near his apartment. There is sadly, an uncomfortable chance I get recognised, but I will do my best to stay low-key and not draw attention to myself. I really hope that it doesn’t happen tonight, I am still getting to know him and I don’t want to scare him off. But I can’t put off seeing him any longer, I wouldn’t want to send the wrong message that I am not interested in seeing him. And coffee is always great anyways.

“DAD!” Finn shouts, “COME SEE THIS!” My musings are interrupted by the demands of fatherhood.  
I stand up and walk over to my kids, “what’s up buddy?”  
“What is it?” He gestures towards a creature running along the seabed right by the water’s edge. Such an inquisitive little boy, I think proudly.  
“Oh man, that looks like a crab, don’t touch him...because he might GETCHA!” I laugh and pinch him gently like the claws would, Finn shrieks in delight and giggles  
“Dad stop!!” He says between laughter, “You’re hurting me!!”  
“Alright buddy,” I move my hands away before turning to look at Grace, “he’s coming for you next!!”  
“NOOOO!” Grace laughs and starts to run away  
“Oh no! Crabs can’t run forwards!” I start chasing her, running sideways before I eventually reach her. I swing my girl around, laughing and tickling her and just enjoying spending this time with both of my babies.

This is paradise, I think, goofing around with my kids who adore me on a beautiful beach on this sunny Sunday morning, knowing that tonight I have a kind of date with a handsome man who seems almost too good to be true.

Later, when we sit on a wooden bench at the top of a cliff, munching on the ice creams I promised them, my daughter tells me something that breaks my heart.

“Daddy?” Grace looks up at me with her beautiful, big blue eyes that stole my heart the second she first opened them when I held her as a newborn in Hospital, feeling absolutely on top of the world but simultaneously terrified at what lay ahead for me as a father.  
“Yes sweetheart?” I look at her and place my hand on the top of her head, running my hand through her blonde curls.  
“Sometimes when I wake up at Mommy’s house I think you’re going to be there and I get sad when you’re not.” She says before going back to licking her ice cream.  
My hand on her head momentarily stills and I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.  
“Darling, I am so sorry you feel that way.” She looks up at me. “You know that wherever I am, I’m always here for you, don’t you? You just tell Mommy you feel that way and she will give me a call and we can speak.”  
Grace nods, “But I miss when we would have breakfast together and you would drive me to school”  
My heart breaks at that, “Why don’t we speak to Mommy tonight when I drop you off hey? Maybe we can see if I could come to your house and we can do that again. Would you like that?”   
“Yeah.” She smiles, “A lot.”  
“Me too” Finn says too  
“Okay guys, well thanks for telling me, I’m sure we can sort something out”

Not living with them and not knowing how they’re getting on without me there has probably been the hardest thing about this whole process. Despite Grace’s comment initially hitting me like a punch in the gut, I am grateful she spoke up and told me how she is really feeling. I would never want my kids to hide things from me.

That afternoon when I drop the twins off, for once I follow them out and walk over to Clara who has come to greet Finn and Grace. They run off inside, eager to see their pets and we’re left alone on the step.

“Hi, do you mind if I have a quick word? It’s about something Grace said to me.”   
Clara seems taken aback.  
“It’s uhh, nothing to do with you.” I assure her  
“Oh yeah Chris...it’s just umm...Tom is here right now.” Her new boyfriend. Great. He’s an athlete or something, I’m not entirely sure, six foot five and he looks like he could break me in half. I’m intimidated in every way by him.  
“It’s okay, it won’t take long. I’m meeting someone later.”  
“Oh?” She raises her eyebrows. Fuck.  
“No, no not like that! Just a friend, we’re just discussing work.” I lie...I don’t know why I’m so keen to keep my love life secret from her, but I feel protective over myself. She doesn’t yet know the truth about my sexuality and I’m not sure how to even begin the process of telling her.  
“Well, come in Chris.”  
I step inside her house. My old house, and see Tom talking to my kids. It sends a pang through my chest that I can’t really explain. It’s nonsense, Clara and I have been over for years. I don’t have any romantic feelings for her any more. I probably should, any man would. She’s stunning, she’s tall and skinny with long wavy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. But I don’t feel that way towards her anymore. I love her, but it’s different now. Yet I still feel jealous she has moved on so quickly. I suppose I’m terrified that Tom will replace me as the Father to my kids. Which is stupid, we’ve had a wonderful day and this weekend has been great. I’d rather he took an interest in them and they liked him than not.

“Chris?” Clara says gently, prompting me out of my musings  
“Um...Grace said something to me today and it made me a bit worried about her. She told me that she wakes up sometimes and misses me being here, misses having breakfast with me and me driving her to school.”  
“Oh…” Clara says and leans back against the table in the entrance hall  
“Yeah...I was thinking that maybe I could come over maybe once or twice a week, when I’m not working and we can have breakfast together and I could drive them to school?”  
“I think that would be really great. You don’t mind the early starts?”  
“No...you know me. I don’t really sleep great anyway. I’m usually awake at that time.”  
“Okay well...let me figure out which days will work best and I’ll let you know Chris.”  
“Thanks, I should get going now.”  
“Okay...is everything okay?” She asks and places her hand on my back. I’m taken aback for a second...it’s nice to know she cares I guess.   
“Yeah, I’m fine. Really. Happy we sorted this out.” I smile  
She smiles back and shouts the twins “FINN! GRACE! Daddy is leaving now!”   
They come running in and I crouch down to be on their level, putting each arm around their backs and hugging them close. I kiss their blonde curly heads in turn.   
“Okay take care guys, I’ll see you soon.” I stand up, ruffling their hair “I love you.”  
“Love you too Daddy” Finn says and waves  
“Love you Daddy, see you.” Grace blows kisses at me.

I leave Clara’s house with a happy heart. My kids are gonna be okay. She took my suggestion well, and communication from my kids to me and then to her solved this problem. I check the time, it’s just past 4pm and I’m set to meet Jonny at six. He lives around 30 minutes from me but I’ll still have enough time to go home and shower and change my clothes. The smell of the beach still clings to me and besides, I’m keen to look my best for him.

I unlock my phone to see a text from the man himself:

[Are we still good for 6pm? Can’t wait to see you! :)]

I reply and let him know that yes, that time is still fine and that I can’t wait to see him either. Just like the day we met, I sing along to cheesy pop songs on the radio. My music taste has always been all over the place and today is no different, I enjoy listening to Fancy by Iggy Azalea and Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud equally. It’s like my own private carpool karaoke but I’m grateful no one can see me.

After arriving home and quickly showering, I shift my attention to getting ready for my meeting with Jonny. It feels strange to call it a date, I don’t really know if he has feelings for me romantically but if he wasn’t keen, surely he wouldn’t have kept up contact with me as he has over the past few weeks. I try to push those insecure thoughts to the back of my mind. Even if we don’t work out romantically, I feel like Jonny is someone who I want in my life. Someone I can trust and confide in.

I stand by my closet and contemplate what to wear, I want to look nice but not too smart. It’s just coffee after all. I decide upon a navy sweater and some black jeans. There are still a few minutes before I need to leave and so I pick up my guitar and strum absentmindedly. Inspiration has been few and far between recently, maybe I’ll feel more inspired after I see Jonny. Eventually, it’s time to leave so I carefully place my guitar on its stand and head out to my car.

For most of the drive there I feel quite calm, but as my Sat-Nav shows the destination is only a few minutes away, butterflies creep into my stomach. I feel excited and nervous to see him again, it feels like I’ve known him for a lot longer than just that one chance meeting where we met and talked for hours outside the smoothie bar almost two weeks ago.

I’m here. 

I pull into the parking lot and make sure my hair is neat in the car’s interior mirror. I take a deep breath and bite my lip in anticipation. I can’t wait to spend some time chatting with him again.

My eyes are immediately drawn to him as soon as I walk in. He’s wearing a green hat again like last time, which makes his brilliant green eyes look even more vivid. I can’t help but check him out as he stands up to greet me, extending his hand which I take and shake once again. He’s wearing a tight-fitting plain white t-shirt, black jacket and grey jeans. Very nice.

“Hi Jonny, it’s so good to see you again.” I smile at him as I shake his hand, an expression that is mirrored across his own features  
“You too Chris! How have you been?”  
“Yeah really good thanks, I spent some time with my kids and a bit of time travelling for my job. It’s been quite busy but I’ve enjoyed it.”  
We spend a few minutes catching up on the previous few days’ activities for each of us. It’s been a while since we last chatted on the phone. Eventually Jonny leaves to go and order drinks for the pair of us. In his absence I look down at my phone and notice a text from Clara.

[Hi Chris, I know it’s short notice so don’t worry if you can’t make it. But tomorrow morning would be perfect for breakfast/driving the twins to school. Tom won’t be here and I have a meeting, so it would work out fine. Gracie was a bit tearful tonight when I put her to bed, she misses you already and I think they’d love to see you. Let me know!]

I smile at the prospect of seeing my kids again so soon and fire off a quick reply to Clara letting her know that tomorrow is fine for me. Besides, Jonny is working in the morning so I’m sure he won’t want to stay out too late.

Just then, my handsome company returns bearing two warm drinks and a slice of chocolate cake with two forks. Aww.

“I uh...thought we could share the cake. They’re a little too big for one each. I hope you like chocolate.”  
“That’s perfect Jonny. Thank you!” I beam at him, he hands me a fork and we dig into this delicious treat “Chocolate is my favourite!”  
“Yeah, you really can’t beat it”  
“So how’s your week looking with work?”  
“It’s pretty busy...I always seem to be dealing with students dropping in last minute so even if I think I have some time to myself that rarely happens,” he laughs “I don’t mind it though...I think I prefer teaching here than in the UK”  
“Where did you teach back home?”  
“In London at UCL.”  
My eyes widen. Wow! What a coincidence “No way! That’s where I went!”  
“Oh really?” Jonny raises his eyebrows and smirks “What a coincidence!”  
“Yeah! I was there from 1996. I graduated in 98”  
“Oh I started a year later. My grades weren’t quite good enough initially and so I had to do some resits. Eventually made it there in 97, well that’s when I completed my Bachelors, but I stayed on and did my Masters and then a PhD and then I started teaching there”  
“Oh that’s crazy! That’s where I met my….” I stop myself short of completing that sentence. I was going to say my bandmates. Damn it Chris! “Uhhh...”  
“Your ex? It’s okay Chris...you can talk about her.” Jonny smiles sympathetically   
“Oh yeah...that’s where we met.” Phew. I exhale. He saved me there.  
“But wow...we really just missed each other. Maybe we were always supposed to meet.” Jonny smiles. I get butterflies in my stomach all over again. He’s breathtaking.  
“Yeah...maybe we were” I return the smile

We chat some more about our plans for the week. We revert back to the lighthearted banter that characterised our first meeting. But then Jonny asks me a question which stops me in my tracks.  
“So what exactly do you do? I know you said you’re a musician but what do you actually do?”  
“Oh well it’s ahh…” I shift in my seat uncomfortably “It’s kind of a strange one...I’m a session musician really and so my hours aren’t fixed. I just get called by people that need me for recordings every so often. I get a lot of stuff for TV and movies here. It’s pretty cool but it can be long and unpredictable hours sometimes.”  
“Who’s the most famous person you’ve worked with?”  
FUCK. Think Chris. “I uhhh...well I didn’t really work with him per se but Jay Z was once in the studio next to the one I was in…” I try my best to sell it “I didn’t see him though. It’s mainly pretty boring, it’s either small bands or someone I haven’t heard of…” I laugh nervously, hoping my discomfort at this topic of conversation isn’t too obvious  
“Oh I don’t really care for his music.” Jonny smiles “But that’s pretty cool.”  
“Yeah. I guess our jobs are kind of similar in that way, you don’t know what each day is going to throw at you and you get to meet a lot of interesting people.” I say in an attempt to change the subject.  
“That’s very true. I couldn’t imagine being stuck in an office making money for someone else. I mean, I am in an office sometimes but I’m writing or people are dropping in. And then I do get to take breaks from teaching to write books and research.”  
“I would love to see you lecture sometimes.” I smile at him “Well, I probably wouldn’t know what you’re talking about but there’s something about seeing people talking about things they’re passionate about that makes me very happy.”  
“That would be really nice! Maybe one day. I’ve been passionate about space and stuff since I was a kid, I feel very lucky I found my passion that young I guess. And that I was good enough to actually make a living out of it!”  
“I feel exactly like that about music. Somehow I managed to blag my way into the industry. It’s the best feeling to wake up and do what you love isn’t it?”  
“It really is. I never was any good at music. I had a few guitar lessons in school but I never kept it up really.” He smiles wistfully.  
“I’m sure you would’ve been a great guitarist! Maybe I could teach you some time.”  
“Oh I don’t know about that, it’s been over twenty years!”  
“I’m sure you could do whatever you put your mind to, Jonny.” I smile at him, he smiles back and holds my gaze. It’s intense. It gives me goosebumps and chills down my spine all at once. I feel the electricity between us. He’s breathtaking.

I offer to get another drink for us to pay Jonny back for the first, which he gladly accepts. I return with our order and we continue chatting. The cafe is pleasant, it’s definitely geared towards the students which populate the college town, playing the latest hits and some more chill, indie music. The fairy lights strung up throughout the place shine brighter as the sun sets. It’s really quite romantic. Eventually the place grows emptier and I notice that the staff are cleaning the tables and stacking the seats in preparation for closing.

“Wow it’s 10pm already. I better get going!”  
“Oh I thought you might want to….” Jonny frowns “Never mind...it was nice to see you again Chris. I hope we can meet again soon.”  
Oh shit. I hope he doesn’t think I’m not keen or that I was making a quick exit...but I have to see my kids tomorrow and besides, he has work.  
“Yeah that would be great. Let me know when you’re free this week and we can sort something out hopefully.”

We make our way out onto the sidewalk outside to say our goodbyes.

“Well, have a great week Jonny. I hope work isn’t too hectic.”  
“Thanks, Chris. Same to you, see you soon.” He smiles

I almost lean in for a hug but I chicken out. Something is holding me back and I’m not quite sure what it is. We’ve had a wonderful evening. I settle for another handshake, extending my hand to Jonny which he quickly accepts and gives a firm shake. I swear his hand lingers for a few seconds longer on mine before he releases it. I feel that spark of electricity again.

I hope I’m not imagining it.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated M and contains smut...if that's not your thing then you probably shouldn't read.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! <3

Jonny and I speak practically every night on the phone. The coffee date last Sunday only strengthened our bond and we seemingly can’t get enough of speaking to each other. Our chats are lighthearted and fulfilling, but as a sign of our increasing closeness we also share details of our days that are less glamorous and are stressful for us. Despite our conversations frequently dissolving into bouts of giggling, I sense there is some tension and unease. And I know it’s my fault.

The burden of carrying the secret about my true identity around is becoming increasingly hard as we grow closer. I feel like I am lying to Jonny but really I am doing this to protect us and give our relationship a fair shot. He is keen to meet me but I cannot just walk around with him in public in case I get recognised, nor can I invite him to my house. Its location in an exclusive community plus its size means that my cover as a struggling session musician would be instantly blown. And going to his apartment is a risk too, if one of his neighbours saw and recognised me that could open up a whole can of worms. I need to be honest with him sooner rather than later. I can tell he senses I am being untruthful about something and my heart aches because of that.

During our latest phone conversation Jonny tells me something which breaks my heart.  
“Why don’t you want to see me Chris? Did I do something wrong?”  
“No, no! It’s just difficult finding the time. Please don’t take it personally, I’m busy with work and my kids.” But then an idea strikes me, “I was thinking though, I could come to your neighbourhood after work tomorrow night and we could go for a walk on the beach?”  
“That sounds great. And tomorrow is perfect, I have afternoon classes only the next day so being out late won’t be a problem. What time will you be done?”  
“Maybe around 10:30? Is that okay?”  
“That sounds great Chris. I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
“Take care Jonny”

I hang up, elated we finally seem to have found a way around the difficulties caused by me being in the public eye. Having someone willing to work past it and not just give up on me instantly when things get difficult is so reassuring. 

As usual, sleep does not come easy to me and so I spend a restless few hours walking around my house, playing my guitar and messing around on the piano until it’s the middle of the night. I feel far more relaxed now that I have spoken to Jonny and arranged a meeting, but my sleeping pattern seemingly has no correlation to my stress levels or anything like that.

I suppose it’s part of what makes a creative person. Many of our most successful songs have come to me in the middle of the night, so I recognise that having a slightly screwed up sleeping pattern is worth it if it means I can write music. Around 3:40am I finally head to bed, feeling tired at last.

The next morning I wake up feeling surprisingly refreshed and notice that somehow I have slept in until past ten which is pretty unusual for me. I suppose knowing I’ll see Jonny tonight has brought me some inner peace. I feel truly refreshed and butterflies begin to creep into my stomach at the thought of seeing him again.

I decide to send Jonny a text to let him know that I’m excited for tonight.

[Can’t wait for tonight! Looking forward to seeing you :-)]

After eating some fruit for breakfast, I decide on grabbing my guitar and jamming for a little while. I’m picking the twins up from school this afternoon and we’ll be having dinner with Clara at her house. Since Grace told me how she was really feeling, I’ve made more of an effort to visit and be present for mealtimes with my children. I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that we have addressed the problem before it snowballed.

I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, hoping it’s a call from Jonny but to my surprise, it’s Phil. Shit. I’ve been too busy with things recently to arrange some time to talk to him or any of my bandmates properly.

“Hi Chris! Just wanted to check in and see how you are since I hadn’t heard from you in a few days. How are you?”  
“Hi mate, thanks for calling! I’m great actually. Been busy writing recently and getting ready for our next session, and hanging out with some people here.” I know Phil still worries about me sometimes, immediately after my divorce I was in quite a dark place and he was always eager to check up on me every day to make sure I was okay.  
“I’m glad to hear that! I’ll send you some files tonight, I’ve written a few things recently that maybe you can work your magic on.”  
“Yeah thank you! I’m actually busy tonight seeing someone but I’ll check it out when I get back.”  
“Oh?” Phil says, intrigued. I can tell what he’s hinting at by the sound of his voice. Shit, me and my big mouth always seem to walk into giving out too much information.  
“Uhh...well it’s nothing big but yeah… I guess I’ve been seeing someone recently. It’s nothing serious yet but...I like them a lot”  
“Good for you mate! I’m happy to hear that.” Phil sounds genuinely pleased for me, “Just make sure you are careful and I hope TMZ doesn't catch you any time soon. Enjoy yourself!”   
I chuckle, “thanks Phil!”

We chat for a little longer, catching up on how our families are and what we’ve been doing recently. I reaffirm my excitement for our next recording session in London in a couple of weeks and promise to check out the files he sends me.

After hanging up with Phil, I notice I have had a text from Jonny,

[Me neither! Let me know when you’re done with work. My Office Hour is about to start...not looking forward to it :/]

Awww. He’s so sweet.  
I reply:

[Will do! Good luck, I hope your students behave themselves!]

Again, a pang of guilt hits me as I realise I have lied to Jonny. He actually has to deal with a stressful day at work today, I have the luxury of not having to do that. I sigh. I know I am doing the right thing and protecting myself, and him by extension, by not telling the truth about my career. But I still feel that honesty is important in any relationship. We aren’t even together, but I dread the optics of how my dishonesty would look if he found out before I told him. Of course, I would never complain about my job or anything, but when it comes to things like this I do wish I was a bit more “normal.”

A few hours later and I’m with the twins in their playroom at Clara’s house before we have dinner together. Finn is showing me his favourite toys, including some of the new ones he got as presents for his birthday. Grace is colouring in on her desk. She has always been the more quiet and artistic of the two and I love seeing how my children’s personalities develop. They’re both quite the little characters, despite being twins, they are completely different. 

As Finn shows me his favourite Spider-Man toy I smile and think about how lucky I am to be able to share these moments with my kids still. There is no question that a separation and divorce were the right steps for me and Clara, we were not compatible as husband and wife. But as friends and parents we make a great team, and I am grateful that even after we fell out of love, we did not say anything that we could not take back and make this kind of civil arrangement impossible.

Those sleepless nights where I would toss and turn in a variety of LA hotel rooms as I planned out my next steps after leaving home, worrying about whether I would ever have a good relationship with my children again feel like a distant memory now, thank God. 

After dinner, I help out with bath time and putting the twins to bed. I read them both a bedtime story but they’re asleep before I can finish. I smile, happy and proud that they feel so relaxed.

It’s already 9pm and Clara asks me if I want to stay behind for a drink and a chat, so I accept not wanting to seem rude or raise any suspicions that I have anywhere else to be. Besides, she will probably want to sleep relatively early as the twins have school in the morning.

We have a good conversation, about our lives and how proud we are of Finn and Grace. I haven’t had a chance to speak to her properly in more than a week, we were both busy running around chatting to guests during the twins’ birthday party. I tell her about things our band has been working on recently and my next trip to London. She’s always enjoyed my music and I’m thankful that that can continue despite our split. Ultimately I recognise that these chats are important for us to maintain a healthy relationship and keep co-parenting our children successfully.

During a break in our conversation, Clara leaves to go to the bathroom. I pull out my phone and to my horror realise that it is already past 11pm! I have missed calls and texts from Jonny. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He must be so worried about me. What an idiot. I stand up from my seat on the sofa, keen to get away as soon as possible. 

“Oh are you leaving?” Clara asks when she returns.  
“Yeah I umm...I’m not being awkward but I didn’t realise how late it was...I have some files and stuff that I promised Phil I would look at tonight. I think they’re planning to meet and do some recording tomorrow so I need to get it done.”  
“It’s okay, thanks for coming over Chris.” She starts walking me out, “I know the kids enjoyed seeing you and they love it when you put them to bed. It was nice to talk to you too.”  
“Yeah I really enjoyed it. See you on Friday, have a good week!”

I hug Clara goodbye and make my way outside. I immediately begin trying to get hold of Jonny. No answer. I sit in my car and try a few more times but nothing. Fuck! I really messed up. He probably hates me and doesn’t want to see me now. What an arsehole.

I begin driving home. No radio tonight, I’m incredibly angry with myself and a little bit embarrassed. What kind of idiot loses track of time talking to their ex-wife like that when they have a date? I feel awful for treating Jonny like that. He deserves better.

The drive back to my house from Clara’s takes 30 minutes. Mercifully there is no traffic since it’s so late. I feel sick and my heart is pounding the whole time. I feel like crying. Jonny already thought I was avoiding him, now I’m sure he’ll have those thoughts even more since I apparently ghosted him when we were about to meet up.

Once home, I try Jonny again, he doesn’t pick up. Fuck! I’m such an idiot.

I try to compose myself, I go into the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face, trying to snap out of this near-panic attack I’m having at my own carelessness. What a fucking idiot.

I decide on trying to reach Jonny one more time. My heart stops when, after three rings, he picks up.

“Hello?” he answers groggily  
“Shit! I’m so sorry Jonny...I got caught up doing some extra stuff and packing the equipment away and stuff. I’m really sorry it’s so late.”  
“It’s okay Chris! I just dozed off, that’s all, I didn’t realise I was so tired.”  
“Do you still want to meet up? I mean...are you feeling up to it?” I ask, hopefully  
“Yeah, I feel fine now. I guess I must have needed some sleep.” He chuckles.  
“Okay great! I can probably be at the beach just after midnight, will that be okay?”  
“Sure, it’s only a short walk from my apartment so just let me know when you get here.” Jonny tells me. Thank God. He doesn’t hate me.  
“Of course.”  
“I thought you had got cold feet or something, I’m glad you still want to see me.” He admits in a moment of vulnerability.  
“Oh Jonny I’m so sorry. Truly, I wish I had looked at the time sooner, but I got caught up talking to people and didn’t realise. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.”  
“It’s alright Chris, I understand these things happen. I’m looking forward to it too.”  
“Okay, I better leave now. See you soon Jonny!”  
“See you!”

I hang up and drive as fast as humanly possible without breaking the law and endangering myself. I feel like such a dick. And I feel so guilty, I didn’t have to stay and appease her and make Jonny fret like that. It’s my own fault. But I’m relieved he still wants to see me and is pretty understanding.

I call Jonny as soon as I pull into the parking lot, it’s not far from the coffee shop where we hung out last time.

I step out of my car, fixing my hair and checking my appearance in the mirror on my car’s door. I take a deep breath, inhaling in the sea air again. Why am I always so nervous when I see him?

Just then, I hear a quiet, gentle voice behind me “Hi Chris.”

It’s him. I inhale and turn to face him. Wow. He looks beautiful again tonight. He’s wearing a dark baseball cap, a light t-shirt and a dark denim jacket. And those damned grey jeans again. He’s incredible. 

“Hi Jonny.” I step closer to him, not really sure of what I’m doing. “It’s good to see you again.” I smile at him. 

Things feel different tonight, there’s a certain electricity in the air that wasn’t there before. My heart is racing. I hope he senses it too.

We walk along the beach barefoot, carrying our shoes in our hands. I can’t help but look around and sneak glances at Jonny, he’s just a little bit taller than me and I love the feeling of companionship and security that I feel whenever I’m near him. We don’t speak, but it isn’t awkward, I feel completely comfortable in silence with him. My senses drink everything in. I can hear the waves lapping against the shore, the bugs chirping in the tall grass beyond the beach and feel the cool grains of sand in between my toes.

“It’s a beautiful night.” I say, eventually, turning my head so I can look into his eyes. It isn’t just the night that’s beautiful, I think to myself. You are too, Jonny.  
“It is, Chris.” He stares back at me.

Eventually, we decide to sit together on one of the dunes. We’re right next to each other. I can feel the heat radiating from Jonny’s body. I feel butterflies in my stomach again. My shoulder against his shoulder. I turn around and look into his eyes, my heart is pounding. The moonlight reflects off his eyes and makes them look even more stunning. He’s breathtaking. Beautiful.

His lovely face is just there, inches away from mine. He turns his neck to meet my gaze. My eyes focus on his lips, then back to his eyes again. I’m testing the waters in a subtle way. He doesn’t recoil, he doesn’t pull away or break eye contact. Slowly, I lean in and kiss him softly. His lips are soft and warm against mine. His stubble feels rough against my chin, I don’t hate the sensation but I’m still getting used to kissing guys. It feels so right. He’s perfect. But then he pulls away.

“What is this?” Jonny says, slightly breathless, looking at me with a slightly pained expression  
“I- um…thought you had wanted me to kiss you” I reply, apprehensively   
“I mean, what are we?” He asks “I don’t want to just be used if you’re exploring things after your divorce” He explains, his tone is surprisingly firm.  
But how could he think that?? “Jonny I’m...I..I like guys too…I’m...I’m bi”   
It’s the first time I’ve admitted my sexuality to anyone.  
His eyes widen “You are?”  
I blush and look away “I am...I thought you knew”  
“Well...I guessed...I didn’t want to get my hopes up.” He takes a breath and looks down. “I like you a lot, Chris.”  
I feel dizzy, my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest “I like you too Jon”

He leans in and our lips touch again, gentle at first but before long, things heat up. My mouth opens and accepts his tongue. Jonny’s hands come up and cup my cheeks gently. I wrap my arms around his back and neck. 

Wow. I’m on a deserted beach in the middle of the night kissing the man of my dreams.

“You’re gorgeous” Jonny whispers breathlessly into my ear and begins kissing down my neck. I groan in response. Holy fuck. We’re in public. He needs to cool it down. He bites my neck gently and I can’t help but whimper

“Holy-fuck...Jonny I-” I gasp out between moans  
He pulls away and looks me right in the eyes “Do you want me to stop?”  
“No I...it’s just...we’re in public.” I say breathlessly  
“It’s okay Chris. It’s late, it’s dark, no one is around.” He reassures me

Looking into his eyes and having his face so close to me, I can’t resist. All my concerns about being caught fly out of the window and I’m totally engrossed by him. I lean in and capture his lips with mine again. Our kiss deepens. Our hands roam, exploring each other’s bodies. I slide my hands under his t-shirt and across Jonny’s back, he gasps as I begin gently nipping on his bottom lip.

“Holy fuck, you’re amazing” He pants into my ear  
I place my knee between Jonny’s thighs and grind my crotch against his, sucking on his neck as he grunts in pleasure. Fuck. This is escalating quickly. If I’m not careful I’m going to embarrass myself like an inexperienced teenager. 

I slide my hand between Jonny’s legs, feeling the impressive bulge there and teasing him over his jeans. Fuck. He grinds against my hand, needing more. He unzips his jeans and I place my hand inside his boxers.

“Please” Jonny murmurs. Holy shit. He’s on fire for me.

I wrap my hand around his cock. He’s so hard and...well he’s impressive. I begin moving my hand and he cries out in pleasure. I press my forehead against his and look into his eyes, dark with lust and glazed over in pleasure. This is incredible.

I move my lips to his left ear, brushing my lips over it as my hand continues its movements, I whisper breathily “You’re so fucking incredible Jonny.”

Before long, Jonny jerks under my hand and cries out in pleasure. He gazes at me hungrily, his eyes devouring me. Even though I’m fully clothed, I feel completely exposed in front of him.

“My turn.” He growls, hoarsely. My breath hitches at the sheer desire in his tone and the way he looks at me. 

He places his hand on my crotch over my jeans and I shudder at the pressure. I thrust towards his hand, desperate for more friction

“Please,” I gasp needily, “Please Jonny.”

Jonny unbuttons my jeans and places his fingers around my cock. I cry out in pleasure. It’s even better than I expected.

He leans down and breathes against the side of my neck, nipping and sucking. My senses are on fire for him.

He’s even better than I expected, I’m writhing and gasping at the way he touches me. My inhibitions are totally gone, the entirety of Los Angeles could be seeing me right now and I wouldn’t give a shit.

Before long, I feel the fire pooling in my stomach. Jonny places his hand under my chin and holds my face, looking directly into my eyes as I finish. Holy fuck.

We collapse back onto the sand together breathlessly, a tangle of shaky limbs. I rest my head upon his strong, warm chest.

Later, after our breathing has returned to normal, I gaze up and look at his handsome features. The stars are shining bright tonight, but somehow his green eyes are even brighter. I place a soft kiss on his jaw. 

The next thing I know, a hand is gently stroking its way through my hair. My eyes flutter open, I’m momentarily disoriented before I remember where I am and what just happened. Holy shit, I kissed Jonny. And we did more than kiss. Wow.

“Morning, sleepyhead.” My green-eyed companion whispers softly, I feel the vibrations against my cheek.  
“What time is it?”   
“Five”  
“Holy crap, we slept for a few hours. It’s getting light”  
“Yeah” he smiles at me contentedly “Tonight was amazing.”  
“It really was. You’re incredible.”

He blushes slightly. I melt inside. He’s too cute. I sit up slowly.

“Let’s watch the sun rise.” I say and offer Jonny my hand, he accepts and sits up. I wrap my arm around his back.

The sky turns from light blue, to streaks of orange and red. It’s beautiful. It’s truly breathtaking. I cannot believe I am sharing this view with such an amazing man.

Before long, Los Angeles will start to wake up and we will have to go back to our everyday lives. I savour these moments I’m spending with Jonny on the beach. 

I vow to let my guard down more and spend more time with him, and I swear I’ll tell him the truth about who I am before long.

But for now, I live in the moment, drinking in my surroundings and appreciating how lucky I am to have met Jonny. My heart is happy, he feels the same about me.

As the sun rises over the beach, I feel like it is also rising over a new chapter of my life too. A chapter I hope I’ll share with this incredible man.


End file.
